Learning to Love Myself!

OK, so I am about to get a little personal here for a bit! I think loving yourself is the hardest but best achievement someone can accomplish.  For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with my weight. I was never overweight, I have always been an average weight and an average height, but when I say I have struggled with my weight, it is more ME struggling with myself and how I look when I see myself in the mirror. I think that most (if not all) girls struggle with this at some point and time in their lives, but for me it has been constant for years. I remember the first time I ever looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I was about 11, and earlier that day my sister and I were on our deck in the backyard swimming and tanning with one of our friends. I had my towel out on the deck and was lying there in the sun and I remember my sister JOKINGLY say “Keer, you look like a beached whale!” and then she started to laugh. I instantly ran in the house and thought “well maybe i do look like a beached whale?” I remember staring at myself in the mirror and just HATING what i saw.  From that day forward, I became extremely self-conscious. I remember in the summertime, going up to Wasaga Beach with my family and all I could think of the whole car ride there was how dreadful I will look in a bathing suit. The thought of taking off my t-shirt and shorts actually made my stomach turn and my anxiety heighten. As soon as I go to the beach i would drag my mom into all of the shops there and try and find a BETTER bathing suit, or one I thought was more flattering, but no bathing suit was ever good enough. I was NEVER happy, and always picking myself apart constantly.

As I got older, it didn’t get worse but it definitely didn’t get better either. High school was a very fun time for me. I had a steady boyfriend, a ton of friends and there were always fun things to do every weekend. I remember being fairly happy in high school and didn’t really worry too much about myself. it wasn’t until university where things got really bad for me once again. Living in a house with four other girls made it hard for me. I remember constantly comparing myself to them and going out I would never want to take pictures because I knew I was bigger than them and hated seeing that in pictures. I would go to the gym a couple of times a week and have decent workouts, but because of stress and everything else that comes with University life, I kept eating and eating, and gaining and gaining. By 4th year of university I was 175 pounds and had totally lost control of myself. That year, I had plans to go on two trips. One trip with my roommates to Cuba, and another trip to Las Vegas with my boyfriend and his family. Vegas came first, and before this trip I hadn’t weighed myself in over a year so I really had no idea how much weight I had gained. In Vegas, on Fremont Street, they have a Zipline course down the strip and I wanted to do it so bad. After signing the waiver forms, we had to get weighed. I stepped on the scale and instantly froze when I saw the number, 175.4. I was totally blown away and couldnt believe what I was seeing. I knew I would not be happy sitting on the beach in Cuba with my friends at that weight, but there was not enough time before the Cuba trip to make drastic changes as we were leaving in just a few days! I tried to enjoy the trip with my friends as much as I could, but my weight and how I looked was always in the back of my head. I remember going horse back riding and my friend taking a picture of me on the horse. After she took the picture, I looked at it and couldn’t even believe that was me! I vowed that as soon as I got home I would make some drastic changes!

I got home from Cuba, and finished my final year at school. As soon as i got home, I joined a gym membership, went grocery shopping and bought all of my own healthy foods and totally took control over my body. I worked out every single day, used MyFitnessPal to count all of the calories I was consuming in a day, and totally dedicated 100 percent of my time and energy to getting back on track and losing weight. In about five months, I lost 45 pounds! I was ECSTATIC. I was going into stores and buying size 2 and 4 pants and size XS and S shirts. I could feel parts of my body I had never felt before, like my ribs and my hip bones. I remember thinking ‘wow, I actually look so amazing! I can’t Believe it!’

I finally started to enjoy life again. I looked in the mirror and loved myself! I loved that I worked hard, did this on my own and actually transformed my body into something I loved! Not only that, but I found a new hobby! I loved to push myself and felt so good when I accomplished new goals! My confidence went through the roof and I began enjoying things like going to the beach with friends or hanging out on the boat with everyone!

Now, 2 years later, I very rarely weigh myself. I know I am at a healthy weight, and when I look in the mirror I see a body that I love! I have a new obsession with running, and I am currently training for a half-marathon in September. I love myself and my life and I am so happy! It took a long time for me to love and accept myself, but with a little motivation, and learning what my body likes and dislikes, I am now in the right direction! Society puts so much pressure on women to look a certain way, or act a certain way and I think thats all bullshit! Pay attention to yourself, what your body likes and enjoys and push yourself to be the best YOU you can be!

-Keer xo